.418 falling for myself

one, two, three, four | tell me that you love me more
sleepless, long nights | that is what my youth was for
[FEIST]

.215 day 191

(today hurt more than i thought it would)

eyes, blurred and blinded, i drove, alone, in 'clutch fists to chest, swallow hard' type pain. 

i went to his home (occupied by another now) and sat on his steps. remembered the last time we sat there together, in 100+ heat, me, fat and bald, him lovingly making jokes about how i am my brother's twin now without hair, and toots, 5 months old and giggling while being carted back and forth from neighbor to neighbor by a grand-father who adored her, so. 

i scribbled out sloppy, painful, pleading messages to him on a white candle...lit it...then left it there. no miracle weight lifted, i walked down his stairs (no longer his) feeling no more at peace than whence i came. 

a bitter-sweetness.

his home. his address. now belonging to someone else. the porch roof that my uncle restored two summers ago and the huge tree he loved (only tree on the block) in front of his home, flashing memories in fallen leaves and perfectly placed wooden splinters. remembering how sad he was when he thought he would need to chop it down to keep the local teen dealers from stashing their "work" at the base of it's roots or making deals in it's shadows.

(le sigh)

if i don't leave philly...i fear i'll be back, year after year, ritualistically, replaying every moment of every moment that i had with him here.

.172 day 149

.136 day 119

new years is one of the only american holidays i don't stand on my soapbox for.

while i can easily argue that, due to time changes, leap years and two months added to the calendar, time in this world is illusive at best, i'd rather focus on the one key element that loosens my 'prone to militant' grip: accidental, collective affirmation. it is the one time mass groups of people, around the world, "will" in unison. showing gratitude, wishing wellness. reflecting on and amending the tragic and beautiful things that's happened in a years time. making promises to try. to grow. to hope. to change. and there is something quaintly pleasant in that thought alone.

this new years eve was spent in purification. clean baby. clean clothes. clean hair. clean body. clean thoughts. i hung a new vision board and kissed my baby upon the arrival of midnight. candles burning. ideas brimming. i am at peace. and it is my will to remain as such throughout the year, and all the moments that follow (i wish that for you, as well).

happy new day, people...for yesterday no longer exists.

.080 day 66