.459 :: 34th birthday ::

it's been such a while since i've posted a blog that wasn't for my photography group, that even posting this one feels odd. BUT - in an effort to lighten the shadow that looms on my heart from the NON-indictment that fell on my birthday, i am choosing to breathe in the moments that brought me peace on that day. the homemade cake, made from the hands of my mother and daughter, the handwritten card of my child and the sheer excitement she expressed in giving it to me, the pretty and comfy cardigan my mother bought for me and the time spent with one of my favorite people on earth (why, those awkward, "don't take a picture of me" portraits at the bottom were taken by him)...

because while this country continues to show me just how much it devalues me life, my family, lovingly, shows me it's worth.

.261 mommy & me

i've always been awkward...and low-key insecure.

when i hit my twenties i went inside myself. gave up meat and nasty vices. prayed daily at 4AM and fasted each year, faithfully, for ramadan. as time progressed, i opened up. became a nude life model for art classes and up-coming photographers, began to LOVE myself in the simplest form. i couldn't even see my flaws, because i was on such a "happy to be in my skin" natural high...(finally). 

but after childbirth, and the aneurysm and turning thirty and medicines and life making me look...different...i am back in that place of settle insecurity. not to the point where i loathe myself, but enough to make me a little less comfortable in my natural genetic make-up. see that chip on my front tooth? got it from falling off the monkey bars when i was 8. never bothered me until now.

so...now, i take A LOT of photos that i never post. in fact, i wouldn't have even posted these, except, i am tired of running from my own reflection. just want to look myself square in the face and say "this is who i AM". and that is what these are.

toots came in my room while in the midst of taking them...and i was pleasantly pleased for the tiny interruption. i'm in love with her. and just the way she looks at me...like mom and god and life all mean the same thing...aides me in seeing myself the exact same way.

.216 haiku

i've been hurt alot...

but, i've been loved even more.

(i feel. i'm grateful.)

.071 day 59