Friday, January 2, 2015

.461 :: in the spirit of my muslim father ::

"do i contradict myself? very well, then, i contradict myself.  (i am large, i contain multitudes)"
| walt whitman | "song of myself" |

once upon a time i asked my father why he helped my mother "celebrate" christmas when he, in fact, was a dedicated muslim.

he told me that as devoted as he was, nothing outside of him had the ability to shake his core beliefs. that he often questioned the faith of people who were so easily rattled, to the point of being offended by the tributes of another.
but what about santa? but what about the government? but what about the lies and mis-truths of this country?
what about all of those things that you've taught be wary of?

what about them? he said. i've done my job. you've proven it.  today is about your mother. she works all year long just to see her worth in the eyes of her children.

and he'd give an entire paycheck to her cause (i learned of this later).

since having Toots, i have struggled to embrace my father's energy.
i am not as settled as him. sometimes my militancy overshadows my "family bonding" and i have missed major moments within my own family because of it. aunts and uncles and cousins and elders all gathered to embrace and love and i, the  known distant one, tucked away because i have yet to
but i am learning.
i am trying to find a blend with my mother. for the sake of my child, for the sake of myself, because i am realizing some very important things: life is short. i have no idea how much longer i will be here (in this country, or on this earth, for that matter) and i want Toots to experience in the joy that i've shared with my mother as i did as a child.
something that brings my mother joy should not bring me upset. 

i put my own feelings to the side...embraced my father's spirit...and let this happen.

a beautiful contradiction.

singing and drumming with grandma and si-si

but like my father taught me early on, Toots is fully aware of one important fact: 

none of real.

(((happy holidays)))