Sunday, November 17, 2013

.434 feat

every single moment...i am changing...i am healing...i am falling...i am growing...i am grieving...i am forgiving...i am forging...i am remembering...that true strength comes when you're undoubtedly at your weakest. and that life is a constant struggle and, yet, a constant ease as well.

not quite two years since my father transitioned. while the pockets of grief become easier, i have moments when i forgot that i am, indeed, still on a path of healing. and in these moments i fall again, allowing myself to be swallowed whole by whatever memory brought me there. 

but recently, something strange has been happening when i visit this all-too-familiar space. so strange, in fact, that for a moment, i thought i was unraveling at the hem line, because out of no where, it seems, i smile. and then that one smile escapes my face and takes over my entire being. and then that unrecognizable smile spills over and fills me with gratitude in place of grief and peace in place of pain and lets me know that, finally, i'm starting to get it. how can a spirit ever die when they live on vibrantly in your dreams?

he exist. i can feel him. 
and he whispers to me: 

"dear baby, though this healing is no simple feat, you have to be grateful for it all".

and then i answer, "that i will". 
and then i smile, because i am.

"man, i really miss my pops
hope that god watches over him and that he's on top
that there is no more disease and that he's alright 
that he's one of the generals inside the army of the light" 

[lupe fiasco]

Saturday, November 16, 2013

.433 toddler life

the first year of toots life was rocky. her mommy's brain was sick and then she was healing. her mommy's faith was shook and then she was praying. her mommy's father was sick and then and she was grieving...(a deep, seemingly endless, still springs up out of nowhere, type of grief).

so, on days when her 'terrible two' takes a turn for the worst, i remember that she's dealt with major emotional change since the day she was born and simply expresses it in all the beautifully draining ways that toddlers can do: tantrums. stubborn defiance. coloring on walls or floor boards or windows that her mommy sometimes colors on, too. 

she's my child in every sense i could imagine. creative, emotional, dramatically expressive. and on days like these past few ones have been, i take stock of all that makes her a ball of goodness in my eyes, because sometimes she's a just tiny stranger with a tornado in place of her emotions.

but, she knows her birthday, her abc's and all the letters to her name. knows, too, that a diamond is a rhombas and happily declares it when spotted on stain-glass windows or on sides of milk crates stacked high against concrete storefronts. she counts to twenty effortlessly and can now recite a tiny poem in sign language. she loves books and libraries and telling me bedtime stories rich with dragons and princesses and flying frogs on flying carpets. she'll choose an apple over candy and drinks water before apple juice all on her very own accord. 

i am extremely proud...and in awe...and overwhelmed...and in love...and, sometimes, drained, but, always grateful, that i get to be the mother to this little girl. with eyes like my father and the spirit of her grands, i am learning that all of me lives in the very core of who this sweet, amazingly beautiful soul is.


she told me to draw a picture of her. in her eyes, this was a masterpiece.

she drew me, too, but erased it immediately as she was inspired to draw a spider, instead. 

(pouting because it was too cold, and too late, for the playground)

Friday, November 15, 2013

Monday, November 11, 2013

.430 the creativity project :: faceless portraits

*waves hello* 

i'm so humbled, honored and happy to be included in the creativity project's circle. a group of phenomenal photographers, each month they consistently inspire me to push past self-imposed limitations. thus, imagine the surprise i felt when becky informed me that i was now one of them. sweeeet.

this month's theme, "faceless portraits", was a pretty awesome opener. accustomed to stopping strangers for portraits, this allowed me to shoot them in my favorite creepy way: hoovering close by and sneaking shots like a stalker. a few were staged, a few were accidental and a few more were found in my miscellaneous photo folder and added just because...

buck, a memoir by close friend and author, m.k. asante.

please visit an awesome photographer, and next in our circle, julia goss of goss photography.
her images are so soft and warm, i guarantee you won't stop at one post (i'm presently up to 5, her images are that addictive). 

join the fun! we would love for you to share your own faceless portrait image on our facebook fan page