both of my pisces parents were fellow creatives before the arrival of children. my father, as brilliant a writer as baldwin, minus the notoriety, used language so divine, his conversations spoke like poetry. he was in the midst of writing a memoir when he transitioned, a memoir whose yellowed pages (he wrote by hand) are stacked atop my bedroom shelf, waiting for my will to finish it.
my mother, a writer as well, reserved and detailed, like toni morrison, used to sketch...outfits, designs, patterns. i once found an old sketch book full of fly 70's fashions. big lapels and flapper suits, bold prints and creased bell bottoms. i was in shock. i didn't even know my mother could draw, and here lie a piece of who she was, stuffed into the bottom of an abandoned box, in the back of a neglected closet.
i was heart-broken. she gave up parts of herself...to nurture parts of my siblings and i.
when i had taylor, i vowed to stay on my path as an artist. she deserves to see the beauty of creation up-close. she needs to learn how to blend, both, art and business efficiently. all my mistakes on this path will serve as a guideline. all my triumphs will serve as inspiration...
the mixing of art and business is scary. there are days i just want to give up. where instability feels like a mark on my child's future. i have great weeks and bad weeks, extreme highs and extreme lows, and i have no idea what the future holds for our livelihood. on these days, i want to resort to school smarts, grab a 9-5 and make art just my hobby...
meet daryl. the virgo. a retired juvenile detention officer who enjoys a good nicaraguan cigar. who walks like he's lived three decades of courting pretty women, with bitter souls and sweetened flesh. who smiles that a "pretty young thing" (his words) asked to take his picture. who blushes when complimented on his droopy, sleep laden eyes, eyes that betray the brightness of that smile between blinks.
he was nice enough. even showed me the inside of his "gentlemen's club" where i met the likes of several more brown men, sitting in plush leather lounge chairs, various cigars hanging from various lips. one brown guy told me that the beauty of their club is the same beauty found in barbershops, minus the buzzing of chatter and clippers. a place where men can go to just be...men.
well, i say, you're doing quite the fabulous job...at being men and all. look, god even gave you penises to get the party started. they laugh nervously. i wink, mischievously. someone shouts "bring her back again, d" to back of daryl, the virgo, who enjoys a good nicaraguan cigar, as he politely walked me back to my car.
co-working on my new site since 10 this morning (exhausted).
didn't remember to take my challenge photo until 5 this evening (yet, excited).
my favorite amethyst quartzcrystal, with splashes of lilac hidden within, beckoned to me from atop my dresser. the perfect subject to place upon the pretty purple, plastic table cloth i got from lwucc last sunday. i set up up station, carefully placed the stone down, breathed lightly...then, watched as my toddler came running in from her playroom to show me the bug that she found (which was actually just a piece of lint) and stop dead in her tracks when she spotted the glimmering piece of "ice" (as she called it). and once she touched it and didn't feel the cold of ice, it became a diamond.
"oooh, mommy, wook, wook! a diamond!"
and so it is. just as rare, just as valuable (to me), but not nearly as bright as the glimmer in my daughter's eyes as she held it high in the air, catching sunlight and skylight colors and painting pretty patterns on our walls. (smiles) i'll just have to get my pictures another day...
one day i awoke and realized something so important to my healing, i smile at the irony of this photo: everybody has felt pain at least once in their life. i am not the only soul to defy death (god wants me here), suffer loss (god wanted him there), to lose my home (to return to another). i am not the only one. so when praying for myself, i must pray for others, too. and in the midst of my greatest heartaches, and quietest nights, it is the remembrance of this sentiment that i heal a little more.
working for myself has had it's ups and downs. but the freedom it presently awards me as a mother, is by far the greatest of the "ups". i am ridiculously grateful to be able to parent toots, one on one, void of day-care centers and outside influences. to cultivate her mind and imagination and intelligence in a way that feels natural like bliss and love and play to her. and yet...there are times...like today, when a "down" moment hits us both. when my weight in work is heavier, and phone calls, and emails, and edits and errands, demands the lot of our day. when the meshing of work time, and our time, struggles to flow harmoniously:
wake-up. kiss. love. breakfast.she in her playroom, i in my own. working in my underwear, breakfast smoothie by my side. one hand on my keyboard the other free to taste an array of imaginary meals in the form of blocks and letters and crayons (because her kitchen set is downstairs). to drink suspect water out of tiny tea cups dirty from who knows what kind of toddler mischief. random pauses to dance to her favorite songs from her favorite toy or favorite gadget or favorite toddler show while phone calls and faxes and mommy's fevered paces decorate the background.
today...she was practically bouncing off the walls. bouncing so high and so much, i had to pause. this chile needed air. no park, as clouds loomed. no long drives, as work loomed. but enough time for a quick (yet, painfully slow) walk. went to the store. bought white polish and burning oils and hershey bars with almonds in them. made a client out of a local make-up artist dressed to the nines. attempted to teach toots to 'skip' on the way home. stopped and played in the drive-way before going back in...
one of the owners of the beauty store, a loving couple i've known for years, gave toots a silver ring.
trying to make me eat dirty foliage...
1. i look like a full mom, cotton cardigan and all.
2. i'm giving a new logo a try. i don't always feel like the whole website thing being on pics.