.228 day 203

the common cold on a toddler can be, both, draining and fun all in one.

we've played with pratically all of her toys and i've given piggy back, horsey and airplane rides, standing straight up, bent over on my knees and lying on my back with her little body perched firmly on the soles of my feet, the entire day...

.227 day 202

ran into my friend of 16 years (more commonly known as my "bad girlfriend") at the corner store. we are so different, and yet, so the same if only for a shared lifetime of experiences together. we've recently battled the first nasty, low-down dirtiest fight we've ever had and we're baby walking this relationship. nerves are still touched, horrifically hurtful words still remembered, but love is still had, indeed...

.226 day 201

  

.225 day 200

"somebody blew up america"

.224 day 199

i've been spending a lot of time with ellie (in comparison to our normal routine) lately. and i truly believe that our on again/off again friendship has finally found it's balance. in love with the idea and process of combining our individual arts (and the raising of our babies), we have been working and creating together (yet, separately) in, both, the novel and (re) branding of our chosen hearts..

today, we worked on basic collateral footage for the video promo i'm creating for her. after spending time carousing and shooting at her favorite fabric store. we came back to my house, set up in front of my favorite green wall, and did few, quick sound bites before ending our creatively fueled, expeditious-type day...

.223 day 198

 

.222 day 197

.221 day 196

[grrr]

i've been feeling pretty gangsta lately. partly due to listening to remi martin's verse on 'ante-up' on auto-repeat in my car whenever i'm rolling solo and partly due to the immense work hustle, boiling beneath my skin, suddenly spilling out in every area of my life. 

it's like, i am here. i am there. i am everywhere. i am nowhere. yet, i am -exactly- where i need to be.

"yah, trick, yah"

[yes...i  just quoted soulja boy. stranger things have happened]

"bitch, run THAT"

[remi martin]

.220 day 195

outside of chuck taylor's, i haven't worn sneakers, as fashion, since highschool (i'm a flat, rider-boot, type gyal). yet, after buying toots a pair of these, ridiculously dumb dope, high-top addidas, a settle crave arose in me and i instantly longed for a pair of my own. so, imagine my delight when my friend and creative partner, el, surprised me with these funky little do-hickeys (oh, yeah). and, while i am not a fan of patent leather...and even less, zippers...i am, ironically...a fan of these.

.219 day 194

\

.218 day 193

"i, believe, the world, is burning to the ground.

oh well, i guess, we're gonna find out.

[...]

i, believe, it all, is coming to an end.

oh well, i guess, we're gonna pretend.

(let's see how far we've come)"

[matchbox twenty]

.217 day 192

first day of spring.

t'was not warm at all. but who cares. free water-ice!

(i had none, actually. i'll pass on frozen sugar water. i did let toots try a tiny cup's worth though...cause i'm coool like dat) 

[corny pun fully intended]

.216 haiku

i've been hurt alot...

but, i've been loved even more.

(i feel. i'm grateful.)

.215 day 191

(today hurt more than i thought it would)

eyes, blurred and blinded, i drove, alone, in 'clutch fists to chest, swallow hard' type pain. 

i went to his home (occupied by another now) and sat on his steps. remembered the last time we sat there together, in 100+ heat, me, fat and bald, him lovingly making jokes about how i am my brother's twin now without hair, and toots, 5 months old and giggling while being carted back and forth from neighbor to neighbor by a grand-father who adored her, so. 

i scribbled out sloppy, painful, pleading messages to him on a white candle...lit it...then left it there. no miracle weight lifted, i walked down his stairs (no longer his) feeling no more at peace than whence i came. 

a bitter-sweetness.

his home. his address. now belonging to someone else. the porch roof that my uncle restored two summers ago and the huge tree he loved (only tree on the block) in front of his home, flashing memories in fallen leaves and perfectly placed wooden splinters. remembering how sad he was when he thought he would need to chop it down to keep the local teen dealers from stashing their "work" at the base of it's roots or making deals in it's shadows.

(le sigh)

if i don't leave philly...i fear i'll be back, year after year, ritualistically, replaying every moment of every moment that i had with him here.

.214 day 190

.213 day 190

" i asked the pastor, 'what's the fastest way to heaven for a bastard with a tarnished past (give me an honest answer)' "

[gunplay]