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Sunday, November 17, 2013

.434 feat

every single moment...i am changing...i am healing...i am falling...i am growing...i am grieving...i am forgiving...i am forging...i am remembering...that true strength comes when you're undoubtedly at your weakest. and that life is a constant struggle and, yet, a constant ease as well.

not quite two years since my father transitioned. while the pockets of grief become easier, i have moments when i forgot that i am, indeed, still on a path of healing. and in these moments i fall again, allowing myself to be swallowed whole by whatever memory brought me there. 

but recently, something strange has been happening when i visit this all-too-familiar space. so strange, in fact, that for a moment, i thought i was unraveling at the hem line, because out of no where, it seems, i smile. and then that one smile escapes my face and takes over my entire being. and then that unrecognizable smile spills over and fills me with gratitude in place of grief and peace in place of pain and lets me know that, finally, i'm starting to get it. how can a spirit ever die when they live on vibrantly in your dreams?

he exist. i can feel him. 
and he whispers to me: 

"dear baby, though this healing is no simple feat, you have to be grateful for it all".

and then i answer, "that i will". 
and then i smile, because i am.




"man, i really miss my pops
hope that god watches over him and that he's on top
that there is no more disease and that he's alright 
that he's one of the generals inside the army of the light" 

[lupe fiasco]

11 comments:

  1. You are brilliant. And I get to say..

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    1. only if 'brilliant' means bored.
      lol. (((thank you)))

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  2. Creative people are my favorite kind : )
    Did I ever tell you that?
    It's true!
    I am definitely coming to bring you your pictures this week. I can't wait to see you : ). Can. Not. Wait.

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  3. Yes, brilliant means I make all this loveliness look so easy!

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    1. you make me smile...(at the moments i need it most)

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  4. When you're going through those dark patches in life, it's hard to ever imagine there's light at the end of the long tunnel. But there is... and I'm glad you're "smiling" again :)

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    1. indeed, dear maddy, indeed...i suppose that's the blessing inside of curses people speak of...i am learning...one moment at a time...and i am open to it...(thank you, love...for your words and energy)

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  5. That's Great!!! I feel that way too...I swear every funeral I've been to, it felt like the spirit of the person wasn't in a casket....The beauty of this planet is that everything is connected...Even if a tree falls with all the roots exposed, it can give life to an entire ecosystem. I believe that the Devil is a lie and so is Death....well how they teach us the concept of death in America anyway....SN: Cute Feet LOL

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    1. ever since my father died...the concept of death has shifted so much for me...it took me being connected to someone that strongly...to be able to feel that connection when it shifted...to another space...(not when i was grieving...i was too angry and hurt to even acknowledge it)...i fear transitioning less...if anything...i mourn what loss leaves behind in people, more than anything...and i live in my moments, now, much differently...purposefully...(and i work daily to eliminate fear and regret...the only two emotions i have, yet, to find useful in the end)....(SN: thank you, lol - hush)

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